Becoming

Becoming:

What if I had told my mom that I wasn’t born any kind of way? And what if my mother did have a hand in crafting my queerness? Why did she believe that contributing to my magical queer self was an evil rather than a good? Why did she believe that “fixing” me—as re-education camps or gender conversion therapy aim to—is necessary? Why do I need to claim that my queerness is unchanging and natural to be safe from people who will do anything to control me, and to ensure that I can’t dream up new selves and determine who I will be? Because I did change. At 17, I told myself and others that I was a gay man. At 20, I don’t identify as gay, and I don’t identify as a man.

In this essay, Alex-Quan Pham describes their queer identity, their experience of coming out to their mom as gay, and how their identity and understanding of their identity have both evolved over time. For those of us who don’t fully understand our queer identities, who are questioning, or who find our identities shifting, how might we affirm ourselves (and each other) when other people ask us to change or behave in a way that conforms more to their idea of “normal”?

Becoming

What if I had told my mom that I wasn’t born any kind of way? And what if my mother did have a hand in crafting my queerness? Why did she believe that contributing to my magical queer self was an evil rather than a good? Why did she believe that “fixing” me—as re-education camps or gender conversion therapy aim to—is necessary? Why do I need to claim that my queerness is unchanging and natural to be safe from people who will do anything to control me, and to ensure that I can’t dream up new selves and determine who I will be? Because I did change. At 17, I told myself and others that I was a gay man. At 20, I don’t identify as gay, and I don’t identify as a man.

In this essay, Alex-Quan Pham describes their queer identity, their experience of coming out to their mom as gay, and how their identity and understanding of their identity have both evolved over time. For those of us who don’t fully understand our queer identities, who are questioning, or who find our identities shifting, how might we affirm ourselves (and each other) when other people ask us to change or behave in a way that conforms more to their idea of “normal”?

Becoming

Have You Told Your Parents?

Have You Told Your Parents?:

Consequently, drawing a line between the things I don’t and do share is crucial for my sense of safety and well-being. This extends to my parents. When my mom called to find out if I was having sex with my girlfriend, I’m not certain sharing the truth with her would have brought us closer. If anything, it is the boundaries I have established with my parents, the details I haven’t shared with them about my life, that have maintained familial peace. My parents will live a happier life not knowing I have written a short story about humping my bed.

For many of us, sharing intimate details of our personal life with our parents can be a source of hesitation or distress, especially when doing so would disrupt their beliefs about who we are. In this essay, Vivek Shraya reflects on when we might and might not want to disclose such information to our parents. She relates her experience of coming out as gay to her mom over a decade ago and of not yet being ready to explicitly come out as trans to her parents, despite constant questioning from others about whether she has told her parents yet. What in your life helps you decide what parts of you or your experiences to share with the people you care about?

Have You Told Your Parents?

Consequently, drawing a line between the things I don’t and do share is crucial for my sense of safety and well-being. This extends to my parents. When my mom called to find out if I was having sex with my girlfriend, I’m not certain sharing the truth with her would have brought us closer. If anything, it is the boundaries I have established with my parents, the details I haven’t shared with them about my life, that have maintained familial peace. My parents will live a happier life not knowing I have written a short story about humping my bed.

For many of us, sharing intimate details of our personal life with our parents can be a source of hesitation or distress, especially when doing so would disrupt their beliefs about who we are. In this essay, Vivek Shraya reflects on when we might and might not want to disclose such information to our parents. She relates her experience of coming out as gay to her mom over a decade ago and of not yet being ready to explicitly come out as trans to her parents, despite constant questioning from others about whether she has told her parents yet. What in your life helps you decide what parts of you or your experiences to share with the people you care about?

Have You Told Your Parents?