Authenticity

listenspeakcreate:

I’ve learnt something really valuable in the last three months and it’s seeped into nearly every single aspect of my life and really improved my relationships with a lot of people. I’ve learnt how powerful authentic communication is. Of being real with myself and being real with the people I interact with.

In dating, I remember being in an unhealthy space last year where if I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship anymore I would slowly reply to them less, and just hope they got the message that I wasn’t interested anymore. It was cowardly and my friends would joke about how many dates I had ghosted. I learnt earlier this year of the term “breadcrumbing”, which was far more sinister than ghosting and I realised I was guilty of it. Breadcrumbing is when you’re not interested in someone and you start ghosting them but you don’t want to let them go, so occasionally you show them a bit of attention on social media either by liking their photo or tagging them in a meme. You leave a trail of breadcrumbs for them to pick up. It’s selfish and pernicious.

After talking to a good friend of mine he gave me advice. To just be authentic. To be real with people. And also to learn to live with the consequences of our emotions. That’s what mature people do. If you don’t want to be with someone don’t hold onto them just for the attention. The more authentic you are, the more people respect you.

I had a dilemma where I liked two guys but had decided there was a lot more potential with one of them. 2016 me would’ve just slowly ghosted the other one but 2017 me told him that I had to cancel our date because I had met someone who I saw a lot of potential with and wanted to pursue that. He understood. I imagine it stung a bit for him, but he thanked me for my honesty and we parted ways.

This is the best thing I’ve learnt in 2017 thus far. This year has been a great year.

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Authenticity

listenspeakcreate:

I’ve learnt something really valuable in the last three months and it’s seeped into nearly every single aspect of my life and really improved my relationships with a lot of people. I’ve learnt how powerful authentic communication is. Of being real with myself and being real with the people I interact with.

In dating, I remember being in an unhealthy space last year where if I wasn’t interested in pursuing a relationship anymore I would slowly reply to them less, and just hope they got the message that I wasn’t interested anymore. It was cowardly and my friends would joke about how many dates I had ghosted. I learnt earlier this year of the term “breadcrumbing”, which was far more sinister than ghosting and I realised I was guilty of it. Breadcrumbing is when you’re not interested in someone and you start ghosting them but you don’t want to let them go, so occasionally you show them a bit of attention on social media either by liking their photo or tagging them in a meme. You leave a trail of breadcrumbs for them to pick up. It’s selfish and pernicious.

After talking to a good friend of mine he gave me advice. To just be authentic. To be real with people. And also to learn to live with the consequences of our emotions. That’s what mature people do. If you don’t want to be with someone don’t hold onto them just for the attention. The more authentic you are, the more people respect you.

I had a dilemma where I liked two guys but had decided there was a lot more potential with one of them. 2016 me would’ve just slowly ghosted the other one but 2017 me told him that I had to cancel our date because I had met someone who I saw a lot of potential with and wanted to pursue that. He understood. I imagine it stung a bit for him, but he thanked me for my honesty and we parted ways.

This is the best thing I’ve learnt in 2017 thus far. This year has been a great year.

Open

life-in-grayscale:

Since coming back to Hawaii, I have nearly run out of
fingers on which to count the number of couples I have met who are in open
relationships. In the few years that I have been away, open relationships have
taken the state by storm in a way that they never seemed to in DC – or perhaps
I just never got out enough on the East Coast.

What I find most intriguing is that many of the people in
open relationships that I have met rarely seem to have given much thought about
why they are in an open relationship.
I do not mean that in a moralizing way, but – having never been in one myself –
I am curious to know what they perceive to be the comparative advantages of
such an arrangement. Did they start the relationship with the expectation that
it would be open or was it something decided midway through? Are they forthcoming
about whom they see or is it more of a don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement? Considering
the dominant cultural view that sees sex and emotions as inextricably tangled, do
they feel like they are losing a bit on the latter for the benefit of the
former?

From the people that I have talked to, it seems that open
relationships work best when the relationship starts open. One person said that
a change midway through usually indicates a deeper problem with the
relationship that sexual liberation may obscure, but not solve. Interestingly,
there also seems to be general agreement that it is best to not discuss the people with whom one has
sex. Openness in that regard seems only to feed the demons of jealousy. The
more difficult question of whether an open relationship is, ideally, a
permanent arrangement is answered with uncomfortable silence.

One guy asked me if I could see myself in an
open relationship, which is what caused me to want to write about the matter. I
thought about it for a few moments. I can see why some couples might feel that
an open relationship is the best decision for them. I have no impulse to reject
such an arrangement nor can I think of any logical reason to oppose it.
However, I think an open relationship would just exacerbate my own tendency to
be hands-off and perhaps a bit distant. It would, in all likelihood, “Be a
relationship in name, not feeling.”

He complimented me on my honesty, finished the last of
his drink, and asked if I wanted to go back to his place. His boyfriend was out
of town for work.

Open

life-in-grayscale:

Since coming back to Hawaii, I have nearly run out of
fingers on which to count the number of couples I have met who are in open
relationships. In the few years that I have been away, open relationships have
taken the state by storm in a way that they never seemed to in DC – or perhaps
I just never got out enough on the East Coast.

What I find most intriguing is that many of the people in
open relationships that I have met rarely seem to have given much thought about
why they are in an open relationship.
I do not mean that in a moralizing way, but – having never been in one myself –
I am curious to know what they perceive to be the comparative advantages of
such an arrangement. Did they start the relationship with the expectation that
it would be open or was it something decided midway through? Are they forthcoming
about whom they see or is it more of a don’t-ask-don’t-tell arrangement? Considering
the dominant cultural view that sees sex and emotions as inextricably tangled, do
they feel like they are losing a bit on the latter for the benefit of the
former?

From the people that I have talked to, it seems that open
relationships work best when the relationship starts open. One person said that
a change midway through usually indicates a deeper problem with the
relationship that sexual liberation may obscure, but not solve. Interestingly,
there also seems to be general agreement that it is best to not discuss the people with whom one has
sex. Openness in that regard seems only to feed the demons of jealousy. The
more difficult question of whether an open relationship is, ideally, a
permanent arrangement is answered with uncomfortable silence.

One guy asked me if I could see myself in an
open relationship, which is what caused me to want to write about the matter. I
thought about it for a few moments. I can see why some couples might feel that
an open relationship is the best decision for them. I have no impulse to reject
such an arrangement nor can I think of any logical reason to oppose it.
However, I think an open relationship would just exacerbate my own tendency to
be hands-off and perhaps a bit distant. It would, in all likelihood, “Be a
relationship in name, not feeling.”

He complimented me on my honesty, finished the last of
his drink, and asked if I wanted to go back to his place. His boyfriend was out
of town for work.

Ultra Bleu, a short film from half-Korean American…

Ultra Bleu, a short film from half-Korean American writer+director+actor Nick Neon (@nickneon):

Ultra Bleu follows Jim Park for the first 24 hours after a violent break up with his ex-boyfriend and how a chance meeting with a stranger reveals deeper issues he must confront.

And an excerpt of Neon’s interview with the Korea Queer Culture Festival Newsletter:

1. First, we would like to ask you how you came to make Ultra Bleu?
Ultra Bleu was a reaction to my frustrations as a lost youth in my 20’s.  I was going through a very difficult break-up that triggered a lot of self-destructive behavior.  When I finally began to deconstruct the break-up, I realized that the reason for my broken heart had more to do with losing myself than with losing my ex.  When he stepped out of the picture, I had no choice but to stare at my reflection in the mirror and I hated who I was.  Ultra Bleu explores that journey of being lost in my 20’s and how I found my way into adulthood.

2. It must have taken you a lot of courage to make an autobiographical film. What made you decide to make this film?
I made this film because I had no other way to set myself free.  There was a lot of heartache and confusion in my life that needed to be processed.  Some people use therapists.  I use pens, paper and a camera.

Ultra Bleu, a short film from half-Korean American writer+director+actor Nick Neon (@nickneon):

Ultra Bleu follows Jim Park for the first 24 hours after a violent break up with his ex-boyfriend and how a chance meeting with a stranger reveals deeper issues he must confront.

And an excerpt of Neon’s interview with the Korea Queer Culture Festival Newsletter:

1. First, we would like to ask you how you came to make Ultra Bleu?
Ultra Bleu was a reaction to my frustrations as a lost youth in my 20’s.  I was going through a very difficult break-up that triggered a lot of self-destructive behavior.  When I finally began to deconstruct the break-up, I realized that the reason for my broken heart had more to do with losing myself than with losing my ex.  When he stepped out of the picture, I had no choice but to stare at my reflection in the mirror and I hated who I was.  Ultra Bleu explores that journey of being lost in my 20’s and how I found my way into adulthood.

2. It must have taken you a lot of courage to make an autobiographical film. What made you decide to make this film?
I made this film because I had no other way to set myself free.  There was a lot of heartache and confusion in my life that needed to be processed.  Some people use therapists.  I use pens, paper and a camera.

In honor of Taiwan’s historic ruling for marriage quality,…

In honor of Taiwan’s historic ruling for marriage quality, please enjoy this cute short film of a gay Taiwanese couple on a romantic date interrupted by their parents. I’m so happy for Taiwan and the hope it inspires for other queer Asian nationals in achieving LGBTQ+ equality and liberation in their respective countries. In particular, I am encouraged by Taiwan’s leadership in demonstrating that same-sex equality is not simply a “Western” construct but a universal value that should be shared among all societies. However, while a major accomplishment, the struggle for LGBTQ+ rights in Taiwan continues, the courts passing the baton back to the legislature to amend the Civil Code and pass legislation addressing same-sex couples. As the concluding dialogue in the video goes,

J: “So what was that you wanted to ask me?”

A: “Can we talk about it next time?”

J: “I have to wait until next time?”

Well, fortunately, the wait is not much longer.

Love wins. Always.

-Jeffrey