This is my experience of being Asian American with disability and sexual orientation was gay or bisexual. During middle school, noticed I like men and have desire into their body. Had were no interest on women because many were too aggressive and arrogant. However, there were few women who are nice and polite who gave me interest. During middle school, I was a timid and quiet student so there is no courage talking to people. My disabilities are autism, depression, memory loss, and stammer. Whenever students talk to me, I could not speak clearly for them to understand and unable to get into their topic. Moreover, I act weird from being alone, everyone said I was a weird kid.
Since I was alone the whole time, I just go online viewing entertainment videos. Until one day, saw pictures of male models performing for the underwear company, then have a desire to imitate them. Then, searched more websites like that one until got into a porn website. This brought desires. Furthermore, this continues after attending high school. Primarily, I was watching straight porn from numerous websites. The one I watched the most is the one from Japan. Many shows were heroes battling, monster torturing the women, time stopper, invincible men, and many more. This shows they are creative, even on porn. Also, anime also has many pornography. After watching so many of these shows, the parts which entertain me the most is men’s body and their private part. This had been kept a secret for a long time.
From middle school to high school, I had interest on men because they look attractive and their personality matched mine. However, many individuals have no interest in Asians because we are the disadvantage ones on dating. Moreover, we are men so individuals will treat us more harshly than women.
Later in high school, watched many shows which are for gay men and LGBT pride shows. I have bought DVDs to watch. One day, my mom was cleaning my room and caught the DVDs. She was surprised and I was frozen when she asked me. My family is traditional and do not support same-sex marriage. She said she will die if I am. That time, my heart was beaten so I kept convincing her I’m not. After that time, I threw away everything that involves gay men. It took me so many efforts to convince the whole family that I’m straight. After that day, I started to watch videos showing female band and female singers. This can let them know I like women. In fact, I suffered from child abuse and child neglect so nobody will support any choice I made. Asian parents are strict and they want their kids to follow their way. Indeed, I grew up in America and I am American. There were many cultural conflict. This means I am not able to come out.
During college, I was having a Chinese class. Then, I met a man who has a boyfriend and he is gay. After hanging out with him, he kept following me and ask to take bus with me. He even said if he was not dating someone else, we could have been together. He even told me sexual stuff and send me his collection of gay porn. He seems like he wants me to be the third person in their relationship which I do not want. After that day, I kept ignoring him and avoid going out with him. He got angry and said I was ignoring him. From that, I see he is not like a mature person so I left the group chat that I was in with him. After that day, he kept avoiding being close to me. From that, I started to hate gay people.
I used some dating apps to find friends but barely has anyone contact me. Many who contact me often wants nude photos and find people to get laid. These are not what I want. If I reject, they block me. Then, deleted all those apps and want to find lovers in-person.
Last year, met a friend from a non-profit organization. He is cheerful and weird. He invited me to Spa to cheer me down after seeing what I post on Facebook, saying I was depressed. At the sauna, he wants to play game with me for answering questions, if we do not answer it, then we have to tickle each other. While we are playing, he ask sexual question such as do I masturbate often. Then, we were tickling and touching each other, include the private part. Then, he got so turn on. When we went upstairs to relax, he wants to hug me and touch my chest. Then, he went down to touch my bottom. Later, he tells me go inside the bathroom stall for action. However, I do not want it and got caught by few people. So I rush out to get change and leaves without him. After few weeks, he wants me to hang out again. Decide to give him another chance. One day, he invited me to his house and said to play a board game. He said whoever lose has to take off their clothes. At the end, he wants to do action again but I refuse. He takes me to the shower and I did not know what am I doing. Then I rush out and left.
After the 2nd time, do not want it happen again. Then, he ask me again. Going to give the last chance but biggest mistake. He invited me to his house and did a board game again. I was too weak. We stripe down and he said he will do it safe. After he touch my private part, come it out and felt I did a mistake. He just want to have fun with me instead a relationship because he did it to a girl before. Found out he is a playboy. Then, I did not do anymore stuff like this. Deleted his contact. I imagine do not know him whenever he is at the non-profit organization.
Months later, I was still thinking about my sexual orientation. At the meetup app, there were many events such as hangout event for the people to meet each other. I want to attend the naked yoga event to feel naturism and the breathing of the body. But when scrolling down to look for more events. There were so many sexual events which involves actions. These are too exaggerating but I also want to attend it. However, have no courage to go because I’m Asian and a young adult. I attend these is to improve my courage to do stuff so my timidity can be cured. I need support from surroundings because it is hard for me to do it alone. Luckily, I met a friend whom also attend these events with me because he has an ex-husband whom cheat on him going to all nude events. So he also attend these events to see how the naturism feels like. I have learnt from him that straight men also have sex with men to see whether they like men or women. From his words, I have learnt a lot because went to some club before and got laid with men and felt uncomfortable. He was right because I am into people around my age and similar personality. People get laid was to find out what is their sexual orientation and who they really like.
Until this day, still working to improve my courage to do anything. My family is traditional whom discourage everything I do. Coming out as gay is hard for me. New York has many organizations which support LGBT. There are Christian communities which support LGBT such as Metropolitan Community Church, Marble Church, United Methodist Church of Village, and more. Even we can not marry people we like, there is still place that supports our choice.
Having friends who support the same-sex marriage can let me learn to come out. Now, I am still learning to explain to my family. My current sexual orientation is straight or unknown. There is too much going on in life such as finance, career, and relationship. I need somebody because most people do not like my personality for being so boring and direct. Is it because I have now come out so my life is horrible? My goal is to improve my courage and not be aware of surroundings’ comments. Whenever I see gay couple, felt so romantic. This shows my sexual orientation is undefined.