humansofnewyork: “The first time I met Jack, I thought to…

humansofnewyork:

“The first time I met Jack, I thought to myself: ‘Here’s a gay guy who’s not cynical, who’s not sarcastic, who enjoys life.’ He had so much energy. He was a fifth grade teacher and he’d always get so excited when he talked about his work. He’d produce these plays where he’d let the kids choose their own characters. He’d spend hours writing out their dialogue. And then I’d pretend to be one of the fathers and go sit in the audience. It was so fun. We had so much fun together. But the whole time we were dating, there was always part of me that thought I could do better. I was a fancy lawyer. Jack never seemed ‘cool enough’ for me. And so I left him for a gorgeous twenty-one year old. Jack and I remained friends. We even continued living together. But his therapist told him never to date me again. So he dated other people. And he got sick. Both of us got sick, but Jack was the one who died. And he might have lived if I hadn’t been such a bad person. If he’d been ‘enough’ for me, he’d never have gotten HIV. The funny thing is– I’d grown up thinking that I’d never be loved. Then a wonderful person loved me. And I left him to have sex with somebody who wasn’t a wonderful person. Jack died thirty years ago. I dream about him almost every night. It always feels good to see him alive. For a moment, I don’t have to blame myself for his death. I usually ask him for forgiveness. And some nights he forgives me. But other nights he doesn’t.”

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